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QaR
March 2009 
"A strange time..." Part FOUR:
Posted on Feb 26th, 2009
by 
oraktoraeneo
oraktoraeneo
...this won't be much longer...
::grins:: I flubbed. I kinda left the concept of Love hanging back there. But, I'll bring it back around. No doubt to be a third party to anything is tricky, for the bicycle ony needs two wheels. But, you manage. Sometimes, you even get the information you need, given enough time, to make a healthy decision about a tough topic. But, what if it's your loyalty to family in question. What if, after years of critical analysis, you find that both sides say the exact same thing? How do you decide, then? Well, for someone that isn't strong of will, he doesn't. He steeps into an indifferent slump.
And this is where I find myself. All aspects of my life come to this point. The duality! Mother or father. Straight or gay. Spirit or nihilism. These are my circumstances. Both paths cannot be traversed and both are just as _?_?_?_ as the other. (There isn't a word available, right now.) I have made choices; I'm not completely weak. But, at all points of the day, there is this irreversable squabble in my head that keeps me from coming to a check mate with these. I can't say what it is. I could just sooner chalk it to my ego, leaving me to philosophically squirm. And the one choice that I have stuck to has alienated me from one of my parents. Believe me though, he deserves it. But, that shouldn't be my determination if I was living out of...Love. (There you go.)
I understand my father, but he represents so much that I do not wish to be. But, there it is, that infight, asking, "Well, why don't you want to be? It's just as ____ as anything else, right?" And this is how it is, all the time. With everything that is too big to be brought to the manifest, but small enough to stay in the abstract where we Scorpios dwell, anyway. How can you love something - care about it - when it's one side of a coin? This is why it seems better to seem indifferent...to just not give a shit. And to want shear, raw, indifferentiating power. But, it is not my, or anyone's, truest will to succumb to these forever.
Like I said, several entries ago, I've been searching myself for why I am this way and with a will to see the strings, I Am coming closer to finding why. I hope. It dawned on me as I was writing this, that my affinity for power might be a childhood obsession. "Captain Planet, he's our hero..." Not. It was one of the first things I watched as a child. It might be the reason why I'm metaphysically charged in the first place. Which brings me back to my original point: what is spirituality?
The final point(s) in part 5.
::grins:: I flubbed. I kinda left the concept of Love hanging back there. But, I'll bring it back around. No doubt to be a third party to anything is tricky, for the bicycle ony needs two wheels. But, you manage. Sometimes, you even get the information you need, given enough time, to make a healthy decision about a tough topic. But, what if it's your loyalty to family in question. What if, after years of critical analysis, you find that both sides say the exact same thing? How do you decide, then? Well, for someone that isn't strong of will, he doesn't. He steeps into an indifferent slump.
And this is where I find myself. All aspects of my life come to this point. The duality! Mother or father. Straight or gay. Spirit or nihilism. These are my circumstances. Both paths cannot be traversed and both are just as _?_?_?_ as the other. (There isn't a word available, right now.) I have made choices; I'm not completely weak. But, at all points of the day, there is this irreversable squabble in my head that keeps me from coming to a check mate with these. I can't say what it is. I could just sooner chalk it to my ego, leaving me to philosophically squirm. And the one choice that I have stuck to has alienated me from one of my parents. Believe me though, he deserves it. But, that shouldn't be my determination if I was living out of...Love. (There you go.)
I understand my father, but he represents so much that I do not wish to be. But, there it is, that infight, asking, "Well, why don't you want to be? It's just as ____ as anything else, right?" And this is how it is, all the time. With everything that is too big to be brought to the manifest, but small enough to stay in the abstract where we Scorpios dwell, anyway. How can you love something - care about it - when it's one side of a coin? This is why it seems better to seem indifferent...to just not give a shit. And to want shear, raw, indifferentiating power. But, it is not my, or anyone's, truest will to succumb to these forever.
Like I said, several entries ago, I've been searching myself for why I am this way and with a will to see the strings, I Am coming closer to finding why. I hope. It dawned on me as I was writing this, that my affinity for power might be a childhood obsession. "Captain Planet, he's our hero..." Not. It was one of the first things I watched as a child. It might be the reason why I'm metaphysically charged in the first place. Which brings me back to my original point: what is spirituality?
The final point(s) in part 5.
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