"A strange time..." Part FIVE:

...this is it...

And so, I circle back to my original point: what is spirit(uality)?  Lord knows I've asked this before and I've received answers, but my dilemma persists and seems to get deeper.  The second point of the final dualism that I listed, "Spirit or nihilism," is what this last, fifth part [and this whole ESSAY] pertains to.  I am in search for the benefits for why knowledge of Spirit and consciousness and a preference for freedom are integral to existence.  [Whoa, whoa!  Hold it right there, what is this about freedom?  Where and when did you ever mention anything about freedom?  Well, that's my whole reason for all of this.]

Lately, I've been watching certain videos on Youtube that involve America's shit economy, its sociopolitical standing(s) in world, what it all means for everyone, and more importantly, what might actually be causing this less than glorious mess.  There's a plethora of ideas and several of which, as you might imagine, involve conspiracy theories; a one world government, the allocation of land and foodstuffs, and the general rendering ill and immobile the peoples of Earth.  All and all, total control.  And it is my wonder how to feel about these things.

All aspects of my personality come into play here.  I find myself indecisive about what to take seriously.  One side says that government is your friend, for a lack of better word, while the other demonstrates proof that that which governs over our lives hinders our freedoms as conscious, sentient beings.  With this last part, I agree.  I, too, want freedom.  But, that SAME bickering rears its head.  "Why do you want freedom?  Freedom from what?  Besides, you're not even here, anyway!  There's nothing to you...'cause consciousness is nothing to the universe."  A sufficient lack of knowledge of spirit has fed the flames of this conflagration of my stagnation.  So, when the idea of willfully given rights, perpetual debt, and the slavery that ensues enters into my headspace, the prevailing thought is, "why care?"

All other points of fact, topics, and such within this essay mean nothing compared to this.  This is my outcry for an understanding like no other.  To know my Self; to break these dualisms; to never again seek power; to know I am sincerely myself.  AND to know what a life in freedom actually looks like.  These are what I need, and I will give everything I am to be this!

All I want is to know that I know and feel it!  God, help me see past this strange time in my life!

Thank you and I love you all.