I know that a good portion of my most recent posts - each far apart - have been about my readiness to return all the while proving the contrary.  I do not know what I mean now, but I know that I have more, now, to say.  So, I will be doing so in the next few weeks. 

I am just lazy, I guess.  Not the greatest virtue, I know; something I have every intention of rectifying.

I am not sure when I had this dream, but I know that it has stuck with me since (at least a year now).  I'm not even sure if I can call this a dream, really.  In all honesty, it occured during that time you find yourself tossing and turning, when you're about to wake up.  I saw a man in gray (the color being of no consequence), sitting Indian style, meditating.  Alight on his body were his Sahasrara, Ajna, et al., in succession until an unlit Muladhara.  Next to him, about the level of the unlit chakra, is this...machine.  Something like a Roomba.  And on its front was this blaring red eye, something like Hal 9000's from 2001.  When I awoke, I had to ponder what I saw.

Knowing that the Muladhara is the symbol and regulator of our ties to the Earth, it struck me as strange that the red was unnoticable.  If everything that I have heard and read is true, the man in this meditative pose would have to be grounded or else the whole reflective session would be pointless.  From my third person perspective, looking on, I attributed the lack of base to the pose that I witnessed; his legs blocking the red glow.  But, then, what is the purpose of this little robot next to him with his huge glowing eye?  It was then that something like an epiphany swept over me.

This machine represents a shear lack of Earth(ly) awareness and the fact that it has been projected upon it.  Think about the Second Renaissance from the Matrix films.  Humans became overly complacent upon their machine servants, indulging in God knows what.  What ensued might have been anything from a newfound rebirth of sexual frivolity to, perhaps, even a spike in spiritual studies and mass quest for liberation (representing the precession of chakras).  All of this in a time when man has forgotten that LIFE started from the ground up.

Be it fantasy or not, our dependence on machines enough to project upon them life will destroy ours!  Ask yourselves, truthfully, is A.I. really necessary?  Hell, robot means "forced labor," in Czech, and we are a tool wielding species.  (Pardon, if my thoughts become incoherent at this point - I'm trying to make a scattered mess into something here.)  The point of all of this is that a breaking off from the basics will leave us floating in the aether for anything to peck us off.  And, believe me, this is the truth...I've felt it, myself. 

One of the basics is that for the whole of our species, there has always been a creator and a creature.  We are the creature - with whatever you want to attribute as the creator.  If we become the creator (man choosing to abandon any notions of a creator), then we will have proved the prime dichotomy of the creator/creature invalid, thus leaving room for our own demise as the creator that was never really required in the first place.  Once the creature becomes either too arrogant or just simply witnesses it independence (as in the case of the slave machines), the necessity of adhering to the creator becomes irrelevant.  Now, I am not saying, follow the deities of old, but, instead, know your place as the creator and creature.  But, too, never drop the moralistic balance that only the creator possesses and decide to create something out of the impulse of the arrogant, pseudo-liberated creature. 

Know that you are both.  Do not get too high on your own power and modern endeavors that you find yourself so far in the strata that there is no chance to return.  Do not depend solely on (and project your life onto) machines - your tools - or anything else.  Be aware of your world and try to find the beauty within IT.  For it all starts here.  

Maybe I should learn to like camping.  ::grins:: 

Where to begin? 

I suppose it's fair to start with saying that recently I have been trying to reform parts of myself through "holistic" means.  Perhaps the rendering asunder of my family and, thus, my way of life has added a bit of necessity to such things.  The ever-present feeling, now, is one of standing on the precipice or my back faced to a wall.  I am burdened with the realism of life and, mostly, all that it entails: I'm twenty-three (circumstantial) and still live at home (suck-ass economy, for the most part), don't know how to drive (my own doing, but it's hard when it's a philosophical fact that cars are unnecessary.  Minding, yes, they are a necessity, but not necessary.), and it's still hard for me to understand what spirituality really means.  [That is the last one because the others are, kind of, more important - at least for right now.]

But, it is that last part that I am here to talk about.  You know, I am a smart person, and find that it's relatively easy to grasp many concepts that others might find difficult or not worth scoring a second glance.  That is NOT out of (intentional) ego.  God, the ego; I think I actually know what mine looks like.  Another "dream," but not worth mentioning here.  The ego is a tricky thing.  I've talked about, perhaps more with piece by piece coherence, the ego and its prospects.  Ultimately, the one that appears paramount is its use of anything in ones life process to keep them complacent and stagnant.  (You can tell when I like a word - like anyone - I'll say it many times in my work.)  The ultimate way that it does this, in my honest opinion, is to convince one that it is NOT there.  If it is metaphysical in nature, instilling the notion that metaphysics is a fallacy works GREAT!  It's worked on me.

Now, to be sure, the only reason that it has worked at all, is because, I got into metaphysics for POWER.  There, I said it.  (I'm a Scorpio, shoot...not wait, I'll sting myself, continuously.)  ::grins::  Of course, before the lynch mob forms, let me explain.  I'm talking real powers, like supernatural ones.  This, over the course of my life, was what I suppose I figured was the end-all-be-all of anything magic or religious (spiritual).  It all started for me at 18, when high school got out and the real world was there to take me...it wanted me!  ::Frankenstein growl::  More or less, out of shear disassociation, I dropped off into a fantasy world. 

Part two...coming soon (well, like in the next 30 seconds, more or less).

...now to continue...

It has been a "bumpy ride," quoting the shrunken head from Harry Potter 3.  I've done a great deal that would make some look at me with wonder, or disgust.  Most of which was for power - and this fact still plagues my motives, today.  Lately, in my life, like in the last two years, it's become much more simple to see the strings, so to speak, between certain constants in my life.  I feel as though I am becoming more attuned to subtler things (or maybe it's all a dream fueled by a late night binge of "give me power" cookies).  I don't know.

What I can say is, the more I have delved into these deeper places, the more that have found, at least conceptually, a more "integral" outfit to spiritual matters.  It's NOT about metaphysics, at all, really.  More of an integration of all things into one thing.  (Like anyone here had to have that explained to him or her.)  For most, an acceptance of the conscious(ness) mind, or "soul."  In my opinion, this is the very impetus of all spiritual common sense...because I feel that it is something that the Self and self can agree on.  I know this is true for me.  It's the reconciling of the movement of the soul with the self that's the trick.  The Self wants to move, the ego doesn't.  Duh, right?

But, from what I've heard, there is more to it than that.  Come on, there has to be right?  Though, it's finding that that's the hardest part.  Unity, compassion, love, service, all of these things are tantamount to a decent spiritual health.  To be sure, though, that one there, "love," is the bitch kitty.

More on that in part 3!  This will be long...I have to make it so.

...on we go...

When one speaks of love, what does one mean?  A boyfriend and girlfriend sharing a passionate kiss on a half-lit park bench just after as the sun sets?  Perhaps...but I'm pretty sure that that is not the love that most mystical traditions speak of.  The way that I have come to see it, it is something akin to a deep understanding of/for all things around you.  An appreciation in the fact that even if something doesn't quite go your way, it is "for the best."  And this is a hard lesson/point of fact for a good many to comprehend.  Led by the ego, false self, the recipient of a shit hand will react to his or her surroundings with all but an understanding of all that is involved.  Nine times out of 10, a situation will occur that is not as detrimental to ones circumstances and he or she, indeed, is overreacting. 

The problem with this fact though, is that there is that 1/10 that does indeed account for a circumstance that is unsolvable by simple means.  It takes more of a firm grasp of reality to sort through.  And, definitely, a self-confidence that your will is the sword tha CAN cut the Gordian knot in this/any situation.  But, if you've delved as far as I have, you begin to "see" what appears to be an impartial, indifferent side of nature or, at least, what you are told is impartial and indifferent.  When confronted with these weighted measures, if you've encountered this "non-dual" subset of reality, it's easy to find oneself in a bind of immense proportions.

The mystical traditions, too, speak of a high indifference that many call Nirvana, a break from the dualism of Samsara.  Now, where this becomes evident pertains to the moments above when confronted with a choice.  Which side, of sorts, do you take?  Sure, most things will be simple, "Clearly that guy is wrong, or that one over there.  Hell, they're both idiots!"  But, sometimes, some things can't be solved so easily.  When a moment can't be worked out by itself, with you simply as a witness to its unfolding, the time might come for the subject inside to make a choice.  But, who are you?  How can you truly know what is right and wrong pertaining to something else?  That 10% left is not supposed to be a cockeyed bout over property, no.  This is something that requires your full awareness of both sides.  But, sometimes, too, either side won't cooperate with your partisan eye and provide that crucial information that can alleviate the struggle within.

Not even if it's your own parents.  More in part 4.

...this won't be much longer...

::grins::  I flubbed.  I kinda left the concept of Love hanging back there.  But, I'll bring it back around.  No doubt to be a third party to anything is tricky, for the bicycle ony needs two wheels.  But, you manage.  Sometimes, you even get the information you need, given enough time, to make a healthy decision about a tough topic.  But, what if it's your loyalty to family in question.  What if, after years of critical analysis, you find that both sides say the exact same thing?  How do you decide, then?  Well, for someone that isn't strong of will, he doesn't.  He steeps into an indifferent slump.

And this is where I find myself.  All aspects of my life come to this point.  The duality!  Mother or father.  Straight or gay.  Spirit or nihilism.  These are my circumstances.  Both paths cannot be traversed and both are just as _?_?_?_ as the other.  (There isn't a word available, right now.)  I have made choices; I'm not completely weak.  But, at all points of the day, there is this irreversable squabble in my head that keeps me from coming to a check mate with these.  I can't say what it is.  I could just sooner chalk it to my ego, leaving me to philosophically squirm.  And the one choice that I have stuck to has alienated me from one of my parents.  Believe me though, he deserves it.  But, that shouldn't be my determination if I was living out of...Love.  (There you go.)

I understand my father, but he represents so much that I do not wish to be.  But, there it is, that infight, asking, "Well, why don't you want to be?  It's just as ____ as anything else, right?"  And this is how it is, all the time.  With everything that is too big to be brought to the manifest, but small enough to stay in the abstract where we Scorpios dwell, anyway.  How can you love something - care about it - when it's one side of a coin?  This is why it seems better to seem indifferent...to just not give a shit.  And to want shear, raw, indifferentiating power.  But, it is not my, or anyone's, truest will to succumb to these forever.

Like I said, several entries ago, I've been searching myself for why I am this way and with a will to see the strings, I Am coming closer to finding why.  I hope.  It dawned on me as I was writing this, that my affinity for power might be a childhood obsession.  "Captain Planet, he's our hero..."  Not.  It was one of the first things I watched as a child.  It might be the reason why I'm metaphysically charged in the first place.  Which brings me back to my original point: what is spirituality?

The final point(s) in part 5.

...this is it...

And so, I circle back to my original point: what is spirit(uality)?  Lord knows I've asked this before and I've received answers, but my dilemma persists and seems to get deeper.  The second point of the final dualism that I listed, "Spirit or nihilism," is what this last, fifth part [and this whole ESSAY] pertains to.  I am in search for the benefits for why knowledge of Spirit and consciousness and a preference for freedom are integral to existence.  [Whoa, whoa!  Hold it right there, what is this about freedom?  Where and when did you ever mention anything about freedom?  Well, that's my whole reason for all of this.]

Lately, I've been watching certain videos on Youtube that involve America's shit economy, its sociopolitical standing(s) in world, what it all means for everyone, and more importantly, what might actually be causing this less than glorious mess.  There's a plethora of ideas and several of which, as you might imagine, involve conspiracy theories; a one world government, the allocation of land and foodstuffs, and the general rendering ill and immobile the peoples of Earth.  All and all, total control.  And it is my wonder how to feel about these things.

All aspects of my personality come into play here.  I find myself indecisive about what to take seriously.  One side says that government is your friend, for a lack of better word, while the other demonstrates proof that that which governs over our lives hinders our freedoms as conscious, sentient beings.  With this last part, I agree.  I, too, want freedom.  But, that SAME bickering rears its head.  "Why do you want freedom?  Freedom from what?  Besides, you're not even here, anyway!  There's nothing to you...'cause consciousness is nothing to the universe."  A sufficient lack of knowledge of spirit has fed the flames of this conflagration of my stagnation.  So, when the idea of willfully given rights, perpetual debt, and the slavery that ensues enters into my headspace, the prevailing thought is, "why care?"

All other points of fact, topics, and such within this essay mean nothing compared to this.  This is my outcry for an understanding like no other.  To know my Self; to break these dualisms; to never again seek power; to know I am sincerely myself.  AND to know what a life in freedom actually looks like.  These are what I need, and I will give everything I am to be this!

All I want is to know that I know and feel it!  God, help me see past this strange time in my life!

Thank you and I love you all.

The more that I see, the more I wonder the question above. 

(BTW, this won't be nearly as long as the others.  I'm pretty sure people read this stuff - it would just rock if ANYONE COMMENTED, though.  Throw me a bone, please?  God, I'm begging - look at that!) 

The reason I take the time to write this is due to the fact that regardless of circumstances without (more or less, distinctly) pointing to something - some might call "The end" - it's impeccable the avenues people are willing to follow to remain blind to such facts.  So, here it is for any late showers: THE WORLD IN WHICH WE HAVE COME TO FEEL COMFORTABLE IS DETERIORATING.  Sure, it may not completely, but the acquisition of that new big-screen will not sully or detour this from happening or, at least, from remaining a real condition on the horizon. 

And, before you say that I am being pessimistic, I don't think that being cautious, knowing/having wisdom that things DO change, or a welcoming of that change prove anything of the sort.  I've been accused of not going with the flow.  Well, behold!  Gaze at where our fucked flux has led us!  I am genuinely worried, though, that if and when BofA tanks, I won't have taken out my share (of worthless note/ink paper) to survive. 



A friend of mine once said that God made the path too damn simple.  If life is, intrinsically, an eternal dance of becoming (a concept of which I am still playing around with), then indeed all of life is an "uphill journey."  As any of you have noticed, it's easier to destroy what you've made than is was to make it - well, the act of creation was the original point.  The path of which I speak is the interaction of yourself to the world outside, the flow, and if you want to go against it, you will have difficulty.  What we find now is, I am figuring, is the lack of wisdom to witness and follow the natural flow.  Things rise; things fall.  Simple.

~SVASTI~

Simply put, all I hope for is a way to view spirit and all that it entails through a media other than that which I use now.  It is easy for me, due to its inherent abstraction, to perceive of continuing consciousness, a soul.  But, when attempting to bring it home, I fall short.  This is due to the way our world is today, but more than that, my inability to make a clear and concise decision in many things that I do.  Any outcome could be the wrong one.  Sure, some outcomes of a failed attempt are easy to accept, but this one is too big.  It's your Self, whether or not it's there, and what the point is of knowing if it is.  And this is all perpetuated by the ego.

I've come to see the ego as a rather cheeky little bastard.  It isolates you.  It allows you see the prize, but never hold it.  All I want is to conquer this part.  I've said all this before, I know, but it still holds sway.  Can someone please read me?  I need a psychic mirror, to show me an unalterable vision of my inner self.


That's it.